The Art of Making Coffins.

I like art that has powerful emotions.

I'd like to make a coffin someday. It's more lie art for myself than others because no one pays attention to it much since they're in mourning.

I'd like to first research on the person and make ones to fit their personalities. Really tiny ones for the people with OCD and anxiety disorders, just so they can feel safe, really large ones for the big and bold ones just so that every bit of their personality can fit in.

And for the over- achiever who lived a long and fruitful life , I'd carve each anecdote and achievement on the sides, contrasting images for the moody ones and a sunset for the saints.

I'd make heavy ones for the suicide victims and light ones for the teenager who died while trying to 'live on the edge'

The plainest ones would be for the babies who were born dead, they didn't get a chance to develop a personality and they shouldn't need to be remembered. The saddest of incidents should be forgotten.

No tomb stones should be built after they're buried. No one should know where my coffins are, the dead shouldn't be associated with physical places, they should only exist in memories.

I'd like my coffins very much, because they'd mean a lot, to just me.

Why I Can't Forgive You.

I feel like I can't talk to you about it, because it makes you uncomfortable and you keep trying to crack jokes to lessen the intensity of the conversation or you try diverting off the topic. So I'm writing this in the hope of venting it out and with the hope that you'll read it someday because I can hear you saying sorry, but I need you to know everything you did wrong.
You should have known. You should have known that something like that would make me uncomfortable , you know the kind of person I am , you know that majority of the people I know wouldn't be okay with it. You should have known that it was way too early to test our relationship like that. It was way too early to try risking something that was so precious to the both of us.
  People say memories get distorted the more and more you remember it, maybe I've thought about it so much that it has, but considering it was just 5 seconds I doubt it, I remember everyone laughing , I remember you laughing, I remember you making a huge effort to lean it , I remember you taking your time , more time than I did, I remember laughter I remember your smile , I remember the pit in my stomach twirl , I remember that sinking feeling , like I wanted to cry but I couldn't , I remember everyone around me having fun and laughing , and I was just there,sinking.. you were laughing and smiling, You shared something only meant for me with someone else..

You could see my discomfort , you pushed me to do it too , it didn't feel right, I didn't laugh or smile , and you still said you didn't know? You should have known. It was your idea to play that game , obviously I'm going to think you wanted it and liked it , I still remember how it was a kiss or a shot and the way you looked up and said I'm not drinking with that smile and she said it too.

And the way you leaned in... My heart stopped, I felt disgusting, and helpless. It hurt , I wish you could feel that pain, just for a tiny second , so maybe you could empathize better.

It hurt when you tried to make it my fault too. 'You should have said something' , YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN GODDAMMIT... Because you know me...

The pain never goes.. my thoughts aren't going to change no matter how many times you say 'I've never looked at her that way' or ' I don't think she's an attractive person, she isn't like you.'

You can't handle your slight discomfort every time we bring it up, you'd rather we left the topic and didn't discuss it rather than you being uncomfortable.

My head says we love each other and I should let it go , My heart hurts too much to listen to my head. My hearts probably more concerned about me than my head is..  Relationships are for two people, sometimes i think we need a balance.

I feel like you've messed up more than I have , even when you asked that other girl on a date, and then all the times you've yelled and made me feel bad when I cried instead of just hugging me and saying everything's okay and I love you. I need to be hugged when I'm upset and comforted and not yelled at.. don't say you didn't know , you should have known, because everyone knows that.

Then I get yelled at when I come down late when you come to pick me up, I get yelled at when I spill drinks , I get yelled at when I can't stand , I get yelled at when I want to try a cigarette, I get yelled at for tiny reasons and I take it, but when I'm upset you can't take it.

I want things to be equal, I don't want to be blinded and not know what's right and wrong for me, I don't want to pretend like everything's okay when I'm dying on the inside when I'm not even fully sure you'd do the same for me.

This relationships been great but it's only 5 months, don't test it . I want it go longer , because you're probably the best thing that's happened to me and I don't want to loose it for tiny mistakes.

..

You should have known, babe. You should have.