Nani (incomplete post)

My heart skipped a beat when I saw the wind push the haldi powder out of my fingertips and onto her nose, and that's when reality kicked in..
It wouldn't matter , if the haldi powder fell onto her nose..she was dead..
I then put the kumkum onto my finger and I aimed to put it directly onto all the powder that was already there so I wouldn't have to make contact with her skin, untill my finger slipped.
But it didn't feel weird , it felt like touching another person but it was so hard to comprehend that the body wasn't the person.
I think I need to come to peace with the fact that I will never be at peace with the thought of her not existing.